Self-Care & Affirmations

 I'm trying to find the balance between self-care and other-care that is such a tenuous tight-rope walk for most people, but which can be even more important for people who are care-givers by profession.

Yesterday, I took the entire morning off to go to a Gentle Yoga class and a New Moon Meditation. It was beautiful! It was exactly what my body and, even more, my soul needed.

It has been a challenge for me to learn that self-care is part of my job, too.  I take care of so many other people - students, clients, and my family, that it is very easy for "the well to run dry".  And in order for me to keep on giving, I must fill the well. So I've had to change the way I view self-care. It's no longer a "luxury", but a necessity. If I'm going to be good at my job, self-care is a must. My ex used to tell me that I could look like Cindy Crawford, too, if looking good was my job. Meaning: if I had to look good for my job, I could and would pay for a private trainer, esthetician, personal chef, housekeeper, personal assistant, nanny, etc., to make the time for my job of "looking good" possible.  Well, looking good may not be my job, but having the abundance of energy to give to others without tapping myself dry is.  So, I've had to change how I look at taking walks, practicing yoga, meditating, studying, and eating well.  Those things are part of my work day.  I get this as a concept, so then why the heck can it be such a challenge to put into practice?

I laugh sometimes at how the Universe chooses to give me lessons.  If there's something I need to learn, very often I'll be shown the lesson clearly in someone else's behavior. And then my Spirit Guides (yes, I've gone off the Hippie-dippy deep end and have Spirit Guides, or Higher Self, or conscience) will give me information for this student and while I'm speaking to them, my Guides will be nudging me, saying, "Are you listening to yourself? You know this is a lesson for you, too, you know."

So, yesterday, after my lovely morning of self-care, receiving from two beautiful yoga and Reiki practitioners, feeling sisterhood and connection, I went out to run some errands.  That’s when I ran into F.

F was my very first yoga student ever. I've known her since 2006 or so, when she was B's teacher, and she has FM, too.  She still comes to my yoga classes periodically, but by this time, I see the pattern the Universe has laid out for our friendship. Whenever I see F when we're out and about, it's because she's having a crisis.  Every single damn time.

So I saw F yesterday, and I tried to make eye contact, but she was playing with someone's dog out in front of Starbucks. In my life, there are no coincidences.  Basically, the Universe gave me the choice to take the out and leave. I could have walked on, as I "didn't really have the time to talk", but by now I know my purpose in aiding others, so I set aside my own plans for the afternoon and waited for F to see me.  After all, all of those “important things” I had to do weren’t really time sensitive, and being there for someone else in need most certainly was more important than those other tasks were.

Sure enough, as soon as F looked up, it was with great relief and excitement (and yes, a healthy dose of desperation) that she asked me to sit with her for a few minutes.  Thirty minutes later, I was talking to her about self-care and how important it is. 

See, my dharma talk (yogic lecture) this week has been all about the idea that “energy flows where attention goes”, courtesy of Esther Hicks and Abraham. What we’re focusing on is what we wind up getting more of. Good and bad things happen every day; if you focus on the good, you feel like you had a good day, despite the bumps, whereas if you focus on all the crap, it seems like you’ve been in a shit storm, regardless of any of the good things that may have happened to you.

Now, this isn’t just a new-agey concept. There’s actually a concept referred to as “the science of gratitude”, and indeed, scientific studies have been conducted on how focusing on gratitude (for example, by keeping a gratitude journal) can quantifiably change your life and result in more happiness, among other things. As Deborah Norville says in her book, “Thank You Power: Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You”, “One study from the University of California, Davis, actually quantified what happens when people are grateful. They really are more optimistic, more apt to help others, more joyful, and genuinely healthier. Related studies have found they're more resilient, less stressed, and better strategic thinkers. All because they focus on what's right in life.”  And that’s just one study of many. In other words, science is backing up this idea that what you focus your attention on can change how you experience your life – for better or worse.

However, F’s issue wasn’t just that she was focusing on the bad, but that that’s what she thought she deserved on some level.  She may not have been saying it or even thinking it, but by denying herself self-care (it was 2 pm and she hadn’t eaten anything other than a latte, which I was emphatic in telling her was NOT food!) she was telling the Universe that she wasn’t caring for herself, so no one else should, either. 

If our basic needs aren’t being met, and if we’re passive about trying to fill them, then our bodies go into self-preservation (i.e. panic) mode. Her needs weren’t being met, so she was generating scarcity consciousness (her body was literally in starvation mode because she was denying herself sustenance), and that was triggering her fight-or-flight response. Sure enough, she was experiencing anxiety.  Sociologically and physiologically, our body doesn’t know the difference between going through a famine from drought or famine by choice; it goes into self-preservation mode and wants us to get out of that situation, i.e. run, in order to keep ourselves alive. If we don’t do anything to change it, then we release the hormones that cause anxiety to help push us into making change.  Because while our minds may be complex things, our physiology is really rather simple-minded; you’re starving, so move to find food, if you don’t, it becomes worried that you’re not doing what you need to survive. Then, boom, you’re anxious.

And then, no matter what we say to ourselves about how, yes, we know we’re important, yes, we love ourselves, of course we deserve to be taken care of… if our actions don’t match our words, well, you know what they say. Actions speak louder than words.

This is why the work starts with you. The world is just mirroring your beliefs about your life. So if you change what you believe, if you change how you feel about yourself, the world will start to change to reflect those beliefs. But your actions must match your beliefs, otherwise the Universe knows it’s just talk. You’re just blowing hot air.

Makes sense. But in practice, it can be a lot more challenging than in theory.

For most people, we inherited a LOT of really crappy tribal beliefs. And then, we had other people in our lives, other experiences, which reinforced them.  For my parents, housekeepers were only for rich people. My sisters told me that teaching yoga wasn’t a real job. Even getting a gardener was a luxury. A luxury. Because somehow I didn’t deserve such “special” treatment. In other words, I wasn’t special enough to deserve it. Nope, it was somehow noble or important to suffer, to do things I didn’t like or have the skill set to do, rather than make enough money to pay someone else to do those things to free up the time for me to do what I enjoy and am good at. You know, that reason I was put here on the planet?

I’m gifted at helping people overcome their pain. And that is FAR more important than cleaning toilets or mopping floors.  In fact, in my case, one could take it even further. By giving me a chemical sensitivity, which includes having cleaning products make me physically ill, the Universe is trying to give me a HUGE sign that I should NOT be cleaning my house; there are far better things for me to be doing with my time.  Yet those darn limiting tribal beliefs still are tied to shame and not feeling deserving; even though I recently accepted a job opportunity which allows me the financial freedom to have a housekeeper on a regular basis, I can still find myself being apologetic about having a housekeeper. 

The limiting tribal and societal beliefs we’ve inherited, added to our life experiences, not to mention all of the negative self-talk that goes on in our heads, can keep us stuck in those old patterns of thought and behavior.  We can still feel undeserving and unworthy of care, which, in turn, can make it difficult for us to receive help, love and care from others.  And that can make it challenging at times to receive the love of the wonderful people in our lives who DO love us and want to support us, just as we support them.

Because we may be limited by the inherited tribal belief that it is acceptable, even desirable, to give care and support, but that receiving the same is a sign of weakness, and thus something to be ashamed of. So we’re not just limited in receiving from a lack of feeling worthy or deserving, but we’ve compounded it all with a feeling of shame or weakness. And that’s a tough belief to overcome. We can accept the role of the nurturing mother of the Divine Feminine, but not the cherished goddess who deserves to be adored and worshiped, the way we cherish, adore, serve and care for those we love.

Very often, we don’t give ourselves permission to stop and care for ourselves, much less let others care for us, unless we’re ill. So, when we really need to rest, our body can break down and make us take the time to rest. I recently got to the point where I was taking on too much, burning the candle at both ends, so to speak, and I was just worn out.  I hadn’t taken time off for a vacation of any significance in two years.  Sure, I’d gone to visit family, or taken the kids to Disneyland for a couple of days, but those aren’t the kind of relaxing, self-nurturing vacations we need periodically to recharge our batteries. No sooner had I verbalized a thought that had been popping up in my mind, “I could really just use a week off from work to rest,” than I got sick. I came down with an upper respiratory illness that was so bad that I had to cancel all of my classes and clients for exactly one week.  Be careful what you say, because the Universe is listening, and you may get exactly what you ask for, but not in the way that you expect.

Heck, sometimes for strong, independent caregivers, becoming ill can be the perfect opportunity for our loves to feel needed and to demonstrate their love for and to us.  Most of the time, we’re so capable, so good at caring for ourselves, that they don’t ever get the opportunity to take care of us; it can be a gift to them.  We can be surprised when friends, family, and loved ones rally to our side to help with whatever we need.  Why is that surprising? Just ask yourself how you’d act if the shoe was on the other foot? Chances are, they’re just giving you back what you give them.

My challenge to my students this week is to become more conscious of what we say and think.  Where is your attention going? And what is that leading to in your life? 

Even more specifically, become aware of those negative, limiting tribal beliefs and all of that negative self-talk. Because that Inner Critic can do a number on you! Seriously, if you took that inner voice and put it into a person who stood next to you and said those things, you’d go insane! (Or you’d at least think they were.)  If you wouldn’t say those things to someone else, better yet, if you wouldn’t say those things to your daughter, why on earth will you say those things to yourself?

If energy flows where our attention goes, then what are we focusing on? What are we saying out loud? What are we saying to ourselves? After all, there’s a reason it’s called “spelling” because we cast spells with our words as we speak them out into the world. It’s called “cursive” writing for a reason, as we put those thoughts to paper. 

So we start by becoming observant of our thoughts and our words. Is your back really killing you? Really??? Do you really hate that person? Or even for my students, do you really want to be pain-free? Or do you want to be healthy?

Because focusing on the negative word has a specific feeling or vibration to it. Close your eyes and become focused on how your body feels when you speak different words.  There’s a limiting or contracting feeling with a negative word like “pain”, even with the word “free” attached.  Whereas there’s an open, flowing, allowing feeling with the word “healthy”.  It’s quite simple, really, a negative word takes away or subtracts from our flow of energy, where a positive word adds to that flow. 

Once we start becoming observant of the words we say and their positive or negative vibration (yes, there goes the hippie-speak), then we can start to become conscious of how they affect our lives. From there, we can start to become proactive about creating what it is we want in our lives. Even better, we can begin to undo the old programming of all of those years of negative self-talk by countering it with positive self-talk. 

Affirmations are a wonderful way to do this. It can feel odd, at first, especially if we’re so used to hearing the negative that the positive feels foreign. So, you begin with something that your spirit recognizes as truth. It can be challenging for some people to say, “I am loved.”  That inner critic comes in and tries to fight you.  As Wil Wheaton said, “The voice of self-doubt presses its face against the window of my mind, knowing I don’t have the strength to fully draw the drapes.” So, instead, I have my students start with something that is truth to them. “I am loving” is something with which almost all of my students can agree about themselves. So, the triad of that mantra is,

“I am loving,

I am loveable,

I am loved.”

It’s incredible to see how challenging that can be for most people to say. Yet the person sitting next to them, their teacher, or most especially their loved ones can most definitely say that to them with confidence. So why is it so hard for us to say and admit about ourselves? Those darn limiting tribal beliefs and negative self-talk is why. And that’s all the more reason why it is important for us to begin saying affirmations to and about ourselves.

Keep in mind that an affirmation is different than an intention.  An intention is the end result or purpose. Something you want to get out of a class, for example.  An intention is something you want to do, get, or obtain, as a result of a process. Whereas an affirmation is something that you already have or are.  It is a re-statement. An affirmation is the assertion that something exists or is true.

So when you’re saying an affirmation, you’re not saying that you WANT to be something, but you are asserting, stating, or remembering that YOU ALREADY ARE that.  And that is very powerful.

To marry these two concepts together, if energy flows where attention goes, then if you’re using the power of affirmation to focus on positive aspects of you, then you will begin seeing more examples of those things in your life.

And honestly, who couldn’t use more examples in their lives of being loving, loveable, and loved? That could make ones’ life far more love-filled. And that’s just a start.

My Inner Child

It's been over a year since I've posted. So long that I'd forgotten how!

Oddly enough, I find that the subject of this post is a continuation of my last post - in October 2009.

"Baby Time in the Moment" was about my great-nieces. Over a year passed until I saw them again, this January, and they're the impetus for this post, too.

I'll be blunt. 2010 was challenging in so many ways! But as one of my master yoga teachers says, we grow from the negative experiences in our lives more than the positive. So I guess that's one way of saying I grew a LOT last year!

I rang in the 2011 with a yoga party (yes, there are such things), and a few days later, with a visit with my great-nieces... all THREE of them! Meeting little Gracie was so wonderful! Such a happy baby! She really lives up to her name.


B & I have missed Care & Belle so much - our buddies! It was so nice to spend the day with them (and their fantastic parents, too!) Of course, their parents are particularly fantastic for making sure the girls remember their Aunt Gackie and Cousin Beff after a year-long absence! The girls are anything but shy, and greeted us with hugs and smiles immediately, which is saying quite a lot about their confidence level.


It's not that B and I play favorites, but... well, we seem to play favorites with the girls just a bit! Care is my buddy, and Belle and B just hit it off.

(Here Beth is listening to Belle tell her about crocodile-eating chickens. That's right, as opposed to chicken-eating crocodiles...)

At one point, the girls were showing us around their room, and Care said, "Do you want a tattoo?" I immediately said, "Sure!" At which point their mom said, "Boy, are you indulgent! I won't let them do that to me!"

To be honest, I hadn't really thought twice about it. But now I did. It was completely out of character for me to be putting a temporary tattoo on my body. But Care wanted another, and she offered to give me one, so I went for it without thinking.

She picked one out and slapped it on me, just above my belly button. She held a baby wipe on it for a minute or so and confidently proclaimed, "It's done!" To which her mother said, "I'm not sure that was long enough." But it was! And I looked down to see that I wore a green heart-shaped apple on my stomach. Until that moment, I didn't even know what she'd chosen!


But that's the nature of kids' play. Just having an idea of something that seems like fun, suggesting it to your playmate, and going for it!

And I think that's what I like about playing with Care and Belle. From Care's occasional outrageous demands to Belle's outlandish stories about rescuing lemurs from erupting volcanoes. You could become the 'reasonable adult' and squash their ideas, or you could just go with it.

I chose to go with it!

And I love that the girls' mom encourages that. When we arrived, I was thrilled to see that Care was wearing a barrette that had been B's when she was little; one that went with a 'dressy' dress, which meant that it was an expensive one from her Grammie, and thus one that had been worn less than a dozen times. Yet here it was, on Care's head, on an average day, just because Care wanted to be pretty. I loved it! And when Belle picked up a plastic holly wreath from around one of the candles in the living room, instead of saying 'no,' her mom suggested she turn it over so it sat better! Way to go mom! It wasn't going to break, and Belle looked like a little Santa Lucia!


I realized that had the same scene taken place 10 years ago, with B in Belle's place, at best I would have tolerated it for a few moments (paired with a disapproving look) or worse, would have stopped it altogether. Which gave me pause.

I've said before that one of my nicknames and alter-egos was Mary Poppins. That was one nanny who really had her stuff together! She facilitated some really wonderful experiences for Jane & Michael Banks. But let's face it: she was really stuffy!!! Even when she was attending the tea party on Uncle Albert's ceiling, she wasn't really participating & laughing. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm letting go of Mary. She had her place in my life, but I'd much rather let out Little Girl J and have fun with the other kids!

Recently I went hiking, and one of my friends was feeling a bit odd because there was a childish energy to the day. A discussion ensued about the pros and cons of feeling that way. When your childlike nature comes out, you may feel less mature, less in control, but my argument was that those were the very reasons to embrace that childish nature. Open your eyes, take a deep breath, and take in the wonderment of the day! Instead of getting from point A to point B, look at the way the light filters through the trees. Stop and notice the weird blossoms on the reeds that look like caterpillars. Pause to admire the amazing beauty of the moonrise. Rub the lavender in your hands and take in the scent. If you wonder how cold the creek is, stop and feel it. I only regret that I didn't take off my shoes and splash in it, feeling the sand between my toes. You've got to admit, it's a cool feeling! Just like the little boy I once saw at the beach; after his mom took off his shoes and socks, he walked on the sand, giggling, asking who was tickling his feet!

After all, in our everyday lives, when we're at work, or even in most of our relationships, how often do we really just let ourselves go & be a little kid? Whether it's laughing and running on the grass at the park or in the waves at the beach, it's very freeing to just let go of all of the adult responsibilities and concerns we carry and just embrace the moment! To be fully present, in our bodies, in that place, in that very instant.

More and more in my practice as a yoga instructor, I hear my students lament that their lives have become so busy, so packed with responsibilities, that they never seem to have enough time to enjoy their life - to do what they want to do for themselves or with their family. Work deadlines have to be met, groceries have to be bought, the laundry must be done, the house cleaned, doctor appointments kept, kids shuttled here and there... and before you know it, a year has gone by!

And that's just sad.

We hear all the time whatever little adage applies: "Take time to smell the roses." "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." Etc. While those may be old-fashioned phrases, today our mantras may be to "Be Present" or "Spend Quality Time." It's the same concept. And they all speak to the same root idea: Life is short, so make the most of it!

Enjoy those times when you feel like a kid and want to play on the swings, climb a rocket, run in the waves, have a food fight, roll down a grassy hill, or get a (temporary) tattoo. It will do your heart good to embrace that twelve-year-old you, to let go of the stodgy adult, and feel the exhilarating sense of freedom that comes with letting go of responsibility, however temporarily, and just play! Let your heart sing, and laugh, and run in the wind with the sun on your face.

Embrace the moment, embrace the joy, and embrace your inner child!

Baby Time In the Moment

This afternoon, as I was ending my yoga asana practice and starting my short meditation, I remembered that one of my yoga teachers training assignments for this week is to meditate for 15 minutes every day and to journal about it. So I set the timer meditated. I wound up with an 8-count rounded breath, and then I added in my affirmations. I could feel my senses turning inward; it was a fantastic feeling to be fully within my own body in the moment. It really helped me feel calm and centered. The fifteen minutes were up before I had finished, so I turned off the timer and continued to meditate. When I finished, I was focused, yet peaceful and energized at the same time. I felt 100% better than when I started. Yet how often do we really stop to take that time for ourselves, to really be, not only in the moment, but within ourselves? Why is it so hard for us to take that time to nurture ourselves? We're so willing to give our time to others or to other things, but we neglect what's important to and for us.

I had a good afternoon shopping with B. We got her boots and shirt for her Halloween costume. She's decided to be the character "Catniss" from the book "The Hunger Games." I scheduled her an appointment for a hair trim and straightening with Ann on Thursday for it, too. We had so much fun at Costco! We'd splurged on a Wetzel's Pretzel before we left the mall, and the simple carbs hit our bloodstream about halfway through our Costco shop. We were cracking each other up! I told B that I wanted dark chocolate pomegranate candies, and learned that she hates pomegranates. When we were in the produce section, she saw the actual pomegranate fruits and noticed that on the side of the box it said "Pomegranate Grenades" and she cracked up! She said, "I'll buy some pomegranate grenades!" I know, 'grenades' is what they're called in French (hence grenadine, i.e. pomegranate juice), but it was still funny!

Then when we passed the CD/DVD section, we heard some Christmas music playing. Yes, it's not Halloween yet, but Costco gets a jump on those things. As we walked past it, I realized they were playing the Christmas Song. No, not the "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" standard; the song by Alvin and the Chipmunks! I joined in on, "Me, I want a hula hoop!" And Beth about died! I sang along where I knew the words. She threatened to throw a huge jug of French's Yellow Mustard at me - all 6 pounds 9 ounces of it! As she says, "Costco, where you can buy freakishly large amounts of stuff you don't need!" It really was a nice afternoon with her.

Later that night, instead of watching TV, I popped in a home video of the kids, starting at D's 3rd birthday - when we went to Disneyland for his 'Disneylandy Burr-day!" It was so great! Even though soon into it there was a good 4-month gap when I had the miscarriage and was recovering from it. It was so precious to see the kidos as babies again.

There was one long section when I'd snuck up on the kids when D was about 3 1/2 and B was 1 1/2. D had helped B climb into her crib (it wasn't nap time), and he was in there with her, playing peekaboo with her under one of her blankets. I started talking to them, and it was actually one of the longest video segments we had of them because they were stuck in the crib and couldn't rush the camera! When they were toddlers, as soon as they'd notice the camera, they'd stop what they were doing, start saying, "Smile!!!" and would rush me! This time, they still said, "Smile!!!", but I was able to ask them to do different things. D sang "Twinkle Twinkle", which cracked me up because I'd forgotten that instead of saying "Up above the world so high" he'd say, "I wonder why you're over me" (or more accurately, "O'er me".) So silly! And he sang the alphabet song, counted to 20, and then was getting ready to say his ABC's when he said, "Look! My toes!!!" So hilarious! I got B to tell me what different animals said, but I had to make D stop answering for her. Then I told them it was time for a bath and they both got SOOOO excited! I forgot how much they loved bath time!

There were a lot of really good memories caught on film. But what I realized most was how much I loved being a mom to babies! And not just because they're cute, but because it's so easy for me to be in the moment when babies are around! Everything is so wonderful - literally full of wonder - that you can't help but be caught up in that with them! I felt that same feeling just 3 weeks ago when Gabe and Mari were here with the girls. You just let go of everything else that's going on and embrace the moment.

Belle wanted me to go see the elk in the grass (through the ivy at the back of the yard), so of course I stopped eating my dinner and went to look for elk with her!

Looking for elk. Belle whispered, "Where is it?" I said, "I don't know? Where is it?" She pointed and said, "It's in the grass... over there!"

Care wanted me to show her the snow globes, find the kitty, and even show her my room, so why on earth would I say no? And those investments paid off in spades! Care always wants her Gackie to pick up her (I never refuse her!)

Having some tickle-time with Care

And at the end of the night, Belle had her bottle and curled up in my lap for a snuggle. Such a precious time with them, so lovely!

There's nothing like the feel of complete trust and love a toddler will give you when they snuggle in your arms, and how any mom naturally starts to sway with them. I had another moment last week with one of my fellow-yogini's daughters (side note: is fellow yogini correct? I mean, fellow is masculine, whereas yogini is feminine...) Little Lila came in just before bed, carrying her bottle; I was sitting on the floor and cooed to her, holding my arms open, and she came right to me. She was so adorable! She just snuggled up in my arms, and I started rocking from side to side with her. At some point, one of the other yoginis asked me something, and I stopped swaying, just to be reminded to get back to business by the determined Little Miss Lila, who was swaying in my lap. I may not have babies of my own any more, but that makes it all the more precious for me when I can borrow someone else's!

Babies truly are wonderful. Not only do they grant us a sense of wonderment if we see the world through their eyes, they can truly remind us to experience the world, the moment, NOW, as they do. They have no job, no to-do list, no history or past mistakes to run away from. They just experience each minute of each day as it is, when it is, with their full emotion, with clarity, with joy. There's nothing so great as their sense of peace and contentment at the end of the day with a warm bottle and loving arms to hold them. And as Patanjali says, contentment is bliss.

Here's to bliss!

Choosing Happiness

Things have been a bit tough for me lately. Heck, everyone has periods of time like that in their lives. But I think part of what defines us is how we handle it.

I'm known for being gregarious (hence the nickname), exuberant, energetic, bubbly, happy... But very often that is a conscious choice for me. God, I used to be shy and reserved! Heck, it wasn't until college that I even started feeling comfortable speaking out in class, much less leading one! Now I suppose if I went to, say, England, I would be considered highly presumptuous with my habits of striking up a conversation with anyone who interests me. Damn having a proper introduction! Heck, I was on the phone with Ali as I checked out at a store the other day, and I made one mistake or another and was laughing at myself with the checker, and Ali accused me of flirting with her! I guess to some my familiar way of speaking with people could be perceived as such without that being my intent. I suppose I should be more conscious of that, as it could be dangerous in some situations, aye?

Anyway, what I was meaning to say is that often for me, choosing to be the fun, crazy wild one is a conscious effort. And in that, I'm having to face down a fear - of overcoming my shyness and choosing to feel confident in my actions rather than embarrassed. As Eleanor Roosevelt said about herself:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… you must do the thing you think you cannot do."

So, for me, one of those things was dancing. I used to have to have some 'liquid courage' before I could 'loosen up' enough to get out onto the dance floor. However, that's not an option for me any more, now is it? Yet when I took the kids to the Bar Mitzvah a while back, I made sure to drag B out onto the dance floor as often as possible- embracing that experience and conquering my insecurity and fear of embarrassment. And we had a wonderful time as a result! I think that's what's behind the concept of the Glamour Pi Vacation Dance; it's a symbol of letting go and being crazy, regardless of who happens to be watching. You embrace a freedom when you can do it!

One of my favorite writers is Dave Gorman (I have a link to his blog here...) In his book, 'Are You Dave Gorman', there was a passage that I loved:

"The door to my room opened and Dave was there. Dancing. Alone.
All the time singing, he danced in and then danced out. I don't think it's a dance I've ever seen performed solo, but I immediately recognized it. I think it was the words to the song that gave it away.
'Let's all do the conga. The conga's getting longer. La la la la la, hoy! La la la la la la!'
If ever a conga wasn't getting longer it was that one. Still, it was a happy dance."

That's the person I want to be. I was going to say 'be remembered as', but that's wrong: I fully want to embrace that happy persona. As the yogi Rodney Yee would say, "Be the dance. Feel the happiness coursing through you."

Now, I know that's not always possible. I mean, everyone has their good days and bad days - you must have the down in order to appreciate the up. Not only that, but I have a condition in which I experience chronic pain, and it's only on my best days that the pain is gone, whereas even on good days it's there but manageable.

A friend sent me one of those sappy e-mail stories recently. This one was about an old blind man who went to a nursing home. The key takeaway for me was this:

Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Now, I may not be old...yet! But I think my FM may make it easier for me to relate to that. After all, I go to support groups and hear others with the same condition bemoan their condition instead of doing what they can to fight it and improve their quality of life. It is a conscious effort.

Just like choosing to be happy, to be positive. May your heart be full of love, joy, peace, grace, and loving kindness.

Be well!

Belated Avon Walk Thanks

Team Glamour Pi - starting the Avon Walk in San Francisco!

On July 11 & 12, Al & I participated in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in San Francisco. Since then, life has been... well, life - crazy, turned on its head, etc. However, I still wanted to take the time to write about my experience and thank those who supported me as I took on that goal. Better late than never!

As I'd said on my official Avon Walk page, I'd been wanting to participate for a few years now, but I'd been a bit trepidatious about actually making the commitment. It was the support of so many others that enabled me to not only take the plunge, but to actually carry through, and to them I owe a world of thanks.

In order to participate in the event, each walker needed to raise a minimum of $1,800. Thanks to the generosity of friends and family, I was able to exceed that minimum, raising $1,875. I am grateful to all who contributed, whether it was a donation of $5 or $300. Especially given this economy, your generosity was much appreciated!

I'm also thankful for the people who supported me in other ways. My chiropractor, Dr. Billy Long, and my massage therapist, Suzannah Cseh, made sure my body was able to handle the beating I gave it, both before and after the Walk. The people over at Road Runner Sports got me outfitted with proper shoes and gear (love that gait analysis!) My brother-and sister-in-law, Jon & Nancy, made sure I was well-hydrated with my new Camelback. Jen Turk made sure I trained with repeated weekly hikes straight up Temescal Canyon - which gave me the confidence that I could take on the hills of San Francisco. I also had countless friends like Tropicana, Al, & Andrea who gave me the emotional support to keep going. Most importantly, though, was my family, who encouraged me to train and were so understanding about the time that training and the event consumed. Their love and support gave me the incentive and ability to keep going.

The actual Walk was simply amazing. I started out by heading out to Al's house a couple of days early so I could recover from the drive and then get in some added training. Staying at Chez Blake was like staying at a spa! Yummy, healthy food, great yoga, and walks into Mount Diablo - all with incredible views - certainly put me in the right frame of mind to start the walk.

Jackie's yoga with a view!

On Saturday morning, Al and I were up and at 'em early! It was pretty amazing to see the number of people gathered to walk, and then to do the math to realize how much money had been raised by the same group to fight breast cancer! There were over 2,800 participants who raised over $6 million! How wonderful was that?!?

The participants and the supporters were a sight to see! Al & I, as Team Glamour Pi, had on cute matching outfits, of course! Glamour Pi are beautiful from the inside out, after all! However, there were many teams that were wearing team 'costumes' more than 'uniforms'. The supporters took it even further! Each rest stop was sponsored by a group - from the Urban Dog Walkers (complete with pink floppy ears and brown dog noses), the Circus Group (all dressed as clowns), the California Cows (with a guy in cow costume - complete with udder), the Fantasy Island group (dressed in hula regalia), to the Hoedown group (in Western wear), etc.

In addition to the sponsored rest stops, there were the Motivators. There was a huge group of bikers on motorcycles who were there to provide safety support; one of them was positioned at each intersection, where they, in safety vests, would make sure the walkers got safely across the street (and not hit by cars or cyclists - the latter of which was the bigger threat, actually), and they'd give us route directions to make sure we didn't get off course. But they did so much more than that! Each biker provided music to keep us motivated (as headphones weren't allowed), cheered us on, and inspired us with their enthusiasm. It was pretty amazing to think that these men & women gave the same level of energy to every one of the 2,800 walkers on the route that day!

Oh, and not to be outdone by the rest-stop sponsors, the motivators decorated their bikes and themselves in honor of the event! It was great to see these big tough biker guys in black leather outfits but with bright pink beards or hair! One guy had a giant inflatable pink flamingo riding behind him, and another had a huge pink ribbon flag snapping in the wind. Our favorite though was the cute-but-tough biker chick who escorted us across a particularly busy intersection. She hollered at the cyclists who were turning left in front of us, shouting at them to "Move, move, move!!!" And then she turned to us with the sweetest smile, crooning, "Hello Avon Walkers!" As she waved us across the street, she turned her back to us and proceeded to lower her pants! However, under her black leathers were black shorts with "Go Avon Walkers" written in red across her derriere! Loved her!!! That laugh and enthusiasm got us through the next couple of miles!

There were other 'unofficial' motivators, too: people who just came out to cheer us on, people who handed us snacks (fresh fruit, followed by baby wipes for our hands, and then trash cans a few feet after that!) or people who were out and about, but saw us and honked their horns, clapped, or waved at us, yelling words of encouragement. We had to love Pajama Lady! Apparently, she's a Avon Walk San Francisco bastion - standing by the side of the course every year, wearing her flannel night gown, over-sized rhinestone sunglasses, and her boom box; she danced, cheered us on, and just seemed to be having so much fun! She must have burned more calories standing in place than we did on the entire walk! We couldn't help but get choked up when we'd see families sitting and waiting to support a walker - our favorite being the little girls who ran out to give their mommies a hug. As we neared the finish line, completely spent, aching, and struggling to make it that last little bit, the women in front of us we'd been keeping pace with were greeted by their husbands and babies. What a great sight to get us through to the end!

The Avon Foundation had us completely covered - from motivators, to rest stops, to first aid, to snacks to safety. The San Jose Police sent an entire group of bicycle police to patrol the route for us. What was great is that each cop seemed to keep pace with a certain group of walkers. I never got our officer's name (although I did get his picture), but he was fantastic! He'd encourage us, make us laugh, or tease us, but he was there with us the entire time - even dropping in on our yoga class at the end of the day!

Our officer & motivator!

I realized I haven't mentioned anything about the actual walk. Well, we started out at 7 am in Golden Gate Park. It was cold, foggy and a bit wet. All of the participants gathered in front of a huge stage where motivating speeches were given to ramp us up for the walk. Before we knew it, we were off! Al and I quickly moved near the front of the pack as we weaved our way around the Park and into the streets of San Francisco toward the Presidio on our way to the Golden Gate Bridge.

Jackie in Golden Gate Park.

Ali in Golden Gate Park

Crossing the bridge was a pretty amazing way to kick off the walk; it was completely enshrouded in fog, the pavement was wet, and the footing could be slippery if we weren't careful.

Jackie crossing the Golden Gate Bridge in the fog.

We crossed the bridge and then took the service road under it to Fort Baker. It was still very cold, wet and nasty, but we looked forward to the sunlight we could see peeking out through the clouds in Sausalito. We had a lovely walk along the Bay into Sausalito. By 10:30 am, we'd reached the 11.5 mile point (lunch), where Al and I were Walkers #130 and 131 out of 2,800 walkers. We'd reached the halfway point by 11:05. We slowed down a little bit after that as we wended through Mill Valley, especially as we had just picked up our lunches but hadn't eaten them as it was still too early for that. We carried our sack lunches with us for a while and stopped to eat them in Hauke Park while we watched the kids play on the playground there, but not in sight of the weird Chippendale-costumed yoga instructor! (I'm a bit torn about whether or not I wish I'd gotten a picture of him. What a sight!)

Jackie at Hauke Park. Fed, refreshed, and ready to go! Mile 14.6

Al & Jackie at Tamalpais High School - Mile 16.2

By 2:30, we had looped back to Sausalito, and we were still in the top 200 walkers (199 and 200 to be exact) with only 7 miles to go. It was at that point that we came across a fence near Martin Luther King Jr. Park in Sausalito which had been decorated with paper flowers and posters. It was so moving to see this fence, completely covered with messages for us Avon Walkers, spurring us on for the last few miles! Even if those kids weren't there in person, seeing those messages touched and motivated us! When we reached Fort Baker again, we stopped for some first aid (needing to clean our feet, reapply Body Glide, get a little moleskin, and put on clean socks), donned our long-sleeved shirts again, and headed for the Bridge. Those last four miles were the hardest!

Golden Gate Bridge is amazing. The second time we walked across it, we could see everything. We could also become wind-burned from the ocean gale that was blowing across the bay! It was quite challenging, as we'd already walked 22 miles, had to climb up the hill from Fort Baker just to get onto the bridge (including a lot of stairs), and now we had to contend with a biting wind as well as navigate around tourists! But we did it (and took some pretty pictures to boot!) It was encouraging to see the tents set up in the Avon Wellness Village in Crissy Field. We could see how close we were to the finish!

Ali on the Golden Gate Bridge. The white just to the left of her head is the Wellness Village.
Mile 24

As we crossed the Bridge - actually, the second I put my foot on solid ground again, my body cried out in protest. It was as if I'd hit a wall and my body wanted to know what the heck I was doing to it! I had exactly 1.3 miles left to go, but, as Lance Armstrong would say, I bonked. Al rallied me, and we kept on going, albeit at a slower pace. It didn't help that we were going downhill; I HATE going downhill! It gives me blisters on the balls of my feet and makes my knees hurt. I really had to struggle through that last 1.3 miles!

Smile through your pain! Just after I bonked.

Once we got onto Crissy Field, the supporters came out in force again. Everyone from the earlier rest stops seemed to be there; we saw the California Cows again, and some other familiar faces from earlier in the day.

Then, for some reason, we had to climb 5 steps from the dirt walkway up onto the grass field. They seemed insurmountable to me! My legs were like lead, and I didn't know if I could physically haul myself up them! Going forward was OK; I could manage that. But going up? Seriously? After 26.3 miles??? Honestly, we had less than 50 yards to go!!! I took a deep breath, and with Al behind me, took one step at a time. About step 3 I almost fell back, but managed to keep going forward. We could hear the music, we could see the arch, and we could hear people cheering!!! We'd done it!!!

Wait, was that an Urban Dog Walker???

You see, my sister Susan had told me that one of her friends, Rusty, was an Urban Dog Walker, and I'd been looking for him all day. So, with less than 10 yards to go between me and the arch, I walked up to the guy with the funny pink dog ears on and asked him if he was Rusty. Al had moved past me and turned around, mouth agape. What the heck was I doing??? We were almost to the finish line and I stopped to talk to someone??? REALLY?!? That's how exhausted I was; I simply wasn't thinking rationally. Sadly, the Urban Dog Walker was not Rusty; he wouldn't be on the route until tomorrow.

So, I sighed, straightened my shoulders, and rejoined Al. We felt the music pulsing in our chest. We couldn't hear anything but the cheers, and we walked under the arch to complete the marathon. It was 3:40, and we'd completed the marathon in just over 8 1/2 hours! Between us we'd walked 52.6 miles and raised $4,525 to fight breast cancer!

Can I hear a Woo Hoo!!!!Ali & Jackie at the Wellness Village! We did it!

But our adventure wasn't over! We still had the Wellness Village to explore! Yoga Journal was sponsoring a tent, and they had classes every hour on the hour, so we had to hurry and get our gear so we could clean up and attend a class to cool down. We made it with time to spare (as long as I didn't have to climb any more stairs!) and had a fantastic yoga class! Then we headed to the Spaaaa Zone to sit in a massage chair and put our feet up on a foot massager. It wasn't Suzannah (my massage therapist who gives great deep tissue massages), but it was enough to bring feeling back into my feet! Then we headed to dinner in the dining tent.

Unfortunately, the weather in Crissy Field was the same as it had been on the Golden Gate Bridge - clear, but with a bitingly cold wind! We were so overtired that the wind was just too much stimuli for us. For some reason, they weren't allowed to anchor down the tents for the Walkers who were sleeping there overnight, and the tents were starting to blow around. Also, they'd parked the shower trucks about a mile away from everything else; not very kind considering how many miles the Walkers had already logged for the day! So there were several people lining up for the bus to the host hotel with us who were very thankful that they'd booked a hotel room, just in case. Al had been very generous and booked us a room at the Westin Market Street. That shower and bed felt sooooo good!

We had a great night's sleep and woke, bright and early, to do some yoga before heading downstairs to walk to the shuttle to go back to Crissy Field. Al checked out of the hotel as I headed across the street to Starbucks to get Al some coffee and me some tea.

Unfortunately, before I'd even crossed the street, I was limping. My right foot was acting up. Since that day's half-marathon was supposed to be entirely in the City, up and down hills on sidewalks (as opposed to on dirt trails as some of the previous day's walk had been), there was no way my foot was going to let me complete the walk. Al and I made the decision to save my foot rather than push it and injure myself further.

We caught the first train back to Al's house in Walnut Creek, took a nap, and enjoyed the rest of our day together. I made a quick call to my sister Susan and arranged to drive to Monterey to visit her that night to get a professional medical opinion about my foot. She thought it was tendonitis, prescribed ice, elevating it, and taking pain meds for a week. I followed her advice and was back on my feet within 3 days.

So, I may not have completed my entire goal - a marathon and a half - but I learned some good lessons from my experience. The important part about participating wasn't that I complete the entire marathon and a half, or even that I finish in the top 300 of 2,800 walkers. It was that I took on the commitment, followed through, and carried it out to the best of my ability. We often say that we are our own harshest critic. I think that is definitely true. I realized it was OK for me to complete what I could, as opposed to pushing myself to injury. With my FM, it's important that I listen to and honor my body and its limitations, and sometimes that's as much of an accomplishment as completing some Herculean task. I made a financial commitment, I met it, and I trained to walk a marathon! Four years ago I couldn't walk for more than 20 minutes without being exhausted; now I'd walked 26.3 miles in 8 1/2 hours! What an accomplishment!

And lest we forget, this is why we walk: The American Cancer Society estimates that 20,080 cases of breast cancer were diagnosed in California in 2008, and that 4,150 lives were lost to the disease. For two days, 2,800 people walked as one. We walk for a cure!

Hitting the pavement!

I seem to keep running into some similar themes in my life lately. I was thinking some more about Involution and remembered another post from the Yeah Dave Yoga blog I follow.

I was thinking about what Dave said in his intro story. In 1995, there were no cell phones or computers at our fingertips. That made it easier to be in the moment and enjoy each other. Not that we don't do that now, but we have to make the consious effort to put the cell phone on 'silent' or (a personal problem for me) take the blue tooth out of my ear.

But when was the last time you just laid on the grass and looked at the sky?

Wow! Haven't done that in ages!

I thought about my day on Saturday. I had insomnia the night before, so between falling asleep late and having to get up early to take my son to his drama competition, I only got 5 1/2 hours of sleep. Instead of working out at 8, I cheered up a couple of friends on Facebook until I was yawning so much that the tears were running freely. I had to go back to bed. Then, of course, by 11:30 I woke up starving, which meant I needed to finish cleaning the kitchen from the dinner I'd hosted the night before (putting away all the clean dishes, wiping down the counters, sweeping the floor, putting everything else away) before I could make breakfast, etc. So it was just one of those days when all my best-laid plans went to waste.

However, I did spend some good time with my daughter looking over her old photo albums. We even broke out the VHS tape of her first haircut and my son's 3rd birthday at Disneyland. The Storybook Land Canal boats was so much fun to watch! D and B were sitting up front on the 'deck', and he was excitedly shouting, "Look! One piggy house! Two piggy house! Three piggy house! (for the 3 little pigs) Oh!! Aladdin over there! Look! Over there! Hi Aladdin!! (waving furiously) And there a house... and there a house.... and there a house!!! Oh! Pick-ah-no-key-no!! (Pinocchio)" etc. It was so darn cute!

All of my reminiscing was inspired by a friend's post; his new baby smiled for the first time.

Later on, I did wind up dragging my sorry butt out of the house, taking an hour-long walk from 7 to 8. I was really glad I did.

I realized that it's so easy to sit inside on days when we don't feel well - or at least not up to snuff. Especially if the physical is mixed together with the emotional. And heck, in this economy, who isn't stressed and mildly depressed (if not more so!)

With the sun setting, I was of a mind to just put in a DVD and exercise at home, but I MADE myself go outside. It was a beautiful day, and it was a lovely evening as a result. As I walked, I found my mood lightening and my head clearing as I drew in the clear evening air and exhaled my worries and tension. It was so nice! I noticed the coolness of the air on my skin and the tissues of my nose. I could smell the heady perfume of the flowers as they began to close for the night. I also smelled the barbecues as people grilled their dinners. I noticed the vibrant colors of the flowers in people's yards - many of the annuals freshly planted. Hearing the birds call as they went to their nests for the night, or the occasional trickle of a fountain. Seeing an owl set off to hunt. Greeting neighbors with a smile and a nod. Watching a dad and his kids play hide-and-seek at dusk. It was a great walk!

And instead of following instructions on an exercise video, my mind was free to focus on me. To feel what was going on in my body as I pushed my stride to match the beat of the music. To count my steps for my inhales and exhales. Feeling the energy course through me. And then, to think.

I realized that just getting outside was so important. There was so much I saw and experienced on that walk that I would have missed if I was stuck working out inside. As it is, I do most of my exercise by myself, but that doesn't mean I have to be isolated, too. And even more importantly, I recognized the importance of being 'out in the world' rather than curled up in my cave. The economy is bad, things are stressful, moods are sour; which are all good reasons for us to want to lick our wounds instead of venturing out into the world. However, by getting outside, I saw so much to be thankful for. I was able to experience so much more than if I'd been inside. And even more importantly, I was able to let go of so many of the negative thoughts and feelings I'd had all day.

I started out my walk full of worries: all the things I still had left on my to-do list, everything I'd put off doing which made me feel so much further behind. But then I realized that what I had done that day was valuable. I nurtured my body by getting the sleep it so clearly needed. I nurtured my relationship with my daughter by sitting and talking to her about my childhood and hers. I enjoyed time with my family watching Heroes and discussing plot lines - losing ourselves in the story instead of worrying about what was going on in our lives. And I was taking care of me.

So as I walked, I turned my inner dialogue from negatives into positives. Praising myself and putting my 'needs' into positive terms. Not begging the universe for help, but rather announcing my ability and confidence to do what must be done. To free myself from the paralyzing fear which so many who have a chronic condition feel, by remembering that I can and have done so much. I am a strong woman. I am a positive spirit. I will be OK. I will be BETTER than OK. Life is good, and I will enjoy it instead of letting it slip away, day by day, worrying about what I can't or haven't done. I can establish a plan and follow through - even if it's just on a daily basis. Knowing that it's OK if I can't do everything each day; the mere fact that I've gone to bed with a clear plan in my head for the following day, being able to do even part of what I wanted, is better than having no plan to conquer the pile of things I've been putting off. I'll feel better when I accomplish a task or two a day, and if I keep at it, eventually that pile will dwindle. I'm not so delusional to think that it will disappear completely, but it will get smaller and become more manageable.

The first thing is to re-start Debra Norville's book "Thank You Power" and to crack open my gratitude journal and put it to use. I can choose to focus on the negative, or I can return to the happiest days I've had in recent years by focusing on my daisies every day. Involution, appreciation, and reflection.

I can do it!

Involution. Gimme some!

The other day I was getting caught up on blogs I like to follow but, well, haven't been following very well lately. One of my favorites is Yeah Dave Yoga by Dave Romanelli. He's a great story teller, with a great sense of humor, and he always has a really good insight to go with whatever he's discussing.

I read a bunch of funny posts. I laughed so hard at his entry about people who jog in place that I was continually doubled over in laughter. I thought it amusing to discover when reading his analysis of how people hug that, of course, I'm a yoga hugger. My sister Susan is a knuckle-curve hugger - she lifts you up at the end of her hugs and squeezes you so hard that all the breath gets pushed out of your lungs. And the 3rd hug... well, that would be my husband. He says his hugs only have 2 taps at the end (to signify "I'm done" because he doesn't like people invading his personal space.) But really? Talk about opposites attracting! A NFW hug from my own husband?!? Really??

I laughed right along, reading his past posts. Until I got to a post about a yogic way to approach the economy.

Now, I thought about taunting some of my Republican friends with this article, simply to see if I could get the vein in their forehead to throb. (It's a mutual game we play. They don't like to debate with me so much as Dem-bait me.) That is, until I got to the part about Involution.

That's when I stopped and said, "Woah!"

Now, dictionary.com defines involution as 'involvement'. Yeah Dave took that to another place, one in which we decide our level of involvement in things by knowing when to say 'no'. When to NOT be involved because it doesn't benefit our greater good.

I'd never heard that term before, but I know that saying 'no' is one of the things that I have great difficulty with. Whether it's helping out at school (being on the PTA stressed me out to no end! Yet I did it... twice!), going to events with my extended family because I should rather than having them be positive and enjoyable, or keeping people in my life because it's polite as opposed to beneficial to me in any way.

When I shared this with Al, this was her reply:
I've often felt that there were too many elements in my life that I've been making room for that don't really add much value; yet, to the extent that I'm not ridding my life of them and moving on is the same extent to which I'm preventing room for something more gratifying, more valuable, more enjoyable, etc.

And hearing Al's insight made the whole thing gel with me. I mean, if we continually say 'yes' to things that don't benefit us, then how will we have room for opportunities that WILL add something to our lives? If we can de-clutter our lives of meaningless or, even worse, harmful things, then we can open up for things/people/opportunities that have the potential of being great for us!

I took this idea to my fibromyalgia support meeting this month. So often, people with FM are 'caregivers' not 'caretakers' - meaning we give care to others but find it difficult to take care from others. We find it so hard to say no, because we're people pleasers. As as result, we're often neglecting our own needs, and our bodies suffer. I've long thought that having FM was our bodies secret way of MAKING us stop and take care of ourselves. I talked with my peers at group, and I hope this idea took root:

We need to learn to say 'no', so that we're available to say 'yes'!

It's all a matter of deciding upon our level of involvement based on what will benefit our greater good.

Involution: going on my 'word of the day' calendar (if I had one!)