Baby Time In the Moment

This afternoon, as I was ending my yoga asana practice and starting my short meditation, I remembered that one of my yoga teachers training assignments for this week is to meditate for 15 minutes every day and to journal about it. So I set the timer meditated. I wound up with an 8-count rounded breath, and then I added in my affirmations. I could feel my senses turning inward; it was a fantastic feeling to be fully within my own body in the moment. It really helped me feel calm and centered. The fifteen minutes were up before I had finished, so I turned off the timer and continued to meditate. When I finished, I was focused, yet peaceful and energized at the same time. I felt 100% better than when I started. Yet how often do we really stop to take that time for ourselves, to really be, not only in the moment, but within ourselves? Why is it so hard for us to take that time to nurture ourselves? We're so willing to give our time to others or to other things, but we neglect what's important to and for us.

I had a good afternoon shopping with B. We got her boots and shirt for her Halloween costume. She's decided to be the character "Catniss" from the book "The Hunger Games." I scheduled her an appointment for a hair trim and straightening with Ann on Thursday for it, too. We had so much fun at Costco! We'd splurged on a Wetzel's Pretzel before we left the mall, and the simple carbs hit our bloodstream about halfway through our Costco shop. We were cracking each other up! I told B that I wanted dark chocolate pomegranate candies, and learned that she hates pomegranates. When we were in the produce section, she saw the actual pomegranate fruits and noticed that on the side of the box it said "Pomegranate Grenades" and she cracked up! She said, "I'll buy some pomegranate grenades!" I know, 'grenades' is what they're called in French (hence grenadine, i.e. pomegranate juice), but it was still funny!

Then when we passed the CD/DVD section, we heard some Christmas music playing. Yes, it's not Halloween yet, but Costco gets a jump on those things. As we walked past it, I realized they were playing the Christmas Song. No, not the "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" standard; the song by Alvin and the Chipmunks! I joined in on, "Me, I want a hula hoop!" And Beth about died! I sang along where I knew the words. She threatened to throw a huge jug of French's Yellow Mustard at me - all 6 pounds 9 ounces of it! As she says, "Costco, where you can buy freakishly large amounts of stuff you don't need!" It really was a nice afternoon with her.

Later that night, instead of watching TV, I popped in a home video of the kids, starting at D's 3rd birthday - when we went to Disneyland for his 'Disneylandy Burr-day!" It was so great! Even though soon into it there was a good 4-month gap when I had the miscarriage and was recovering from it. It was so precious to see the kidos as babies again.

There was one long section when I'd snuck up on the kids when D was about 3 1/2 and B was 1 1/2. D had helped B climb into her crib (it wasn't nap time), and he was in there with her, playing peekaboo with her under one of her blankets. I started talking to them, and it was actually one of the longest video segments we had of them because they were stuck in the crib and couldn't rush the camera! When they were toddlers, as soon as they'd notice the camera, they'd stop what they were doing, start saying, "Smile!!!" and would rush me! This time, they still said, "Smile!!!", but I was able to ask them to do different things. D sang "Twinkle Twinkle", which cracked me up because I'd forgotten that instead of saying "Up above the world so high" he'd say, "I wonder why you're over me" (or more accurately, "O'er me".) So silly! And he sang the alphabet song, counted to 20, and then was getting ready to say his ABC's when he said, "Look! My toes!!!" So hilarious! I got B to tell me what different animals said, but I had to make D stop answering for her. Then I told them it was time for a bath and they both got SOOOO excited! I forgot how much they loved bath time!

There were a lot of really good memories caught on film. But what I realized most was how much I loved being a mom to babies! And not just because they're cute, but because it's so easy for me to be in the moment when babies are around! Everything is so wonderful - literally full of wonder - that you can't help but be caught up in that with them! I felt that same feeling just 3 weeks ago when Gabe and Mari were here with the girls. You just let go of everything else that's going on and embrace the moment.

Belle wanted me to go see the elk in the grass (through the ivy at the back of the yard), so of course I stopped eating my dinner and went to look for elk with her!

Looking for elk. Belle whispered, "Where is it?" I said, "I don't know? Where is it?" She pointed and said, "It's in the grass... over there!"

Care wanted me to show her the snow globes, find the kitty, and even show her my room, so why on earth would I say no? And those investments paid off in spades! Care always wants her Gackie to pick up her (I never refuse her!)

Having some tickle-time with Care

And at the end of the night, Belle had her bottle and curled up in my lap for a snuggle. Such a precious time with them, so lovely!

There's nothing like the feel of complete trust and love a toddler will give you when they snuggle in your arms, and how any mom naturally starts to sway with them. I had another moment last week with one of my fellow-yogini's daughters (side note: is fellow yogini correct? I mean, fellow is masculine, whereas yogini is feminine...) Little Lila came in just before bed, carrying her bottle; I was sitting on the floor and cooed to her, holding my arms open, and she came right to me. She was so adorable! She just snuggled up in my arms, and I started rocking from side to side with her. At some point, one of the other yoginis asked me something, and I stopped swaying, just to be reminded to get back to business by the determined Little Miss Lila, who was swaying in my lap. I may not have babies of my own any more, but that makes it all the more precious for me when I can borrow someone else's!

Babies truly are wonderful. Not only do they grant us a sense of wonderment if we see the world through their eyes, they can truly remind us to experience the world, the moment, NOW, as they do. They have no job, no to-do list, no history or past mistakes to run away from. They just experience each minute of each day as it is, when it is, with their full emotion, with clarity, with joy. There's nothing so great as their sense of peace and contentment at the end of the day with a warm bottle and loving arms to hold them. And as Patanjali says, contentment is bliss.

Here's to bliss!

Choosing Happiness

Things have been a bit tough for me lately. Heck, everyone has periods of time like that in their lives. But I think part of what defines us is how we handle it.

I'm known for being gregarious (hence the nickname), exuberant, energetic, bubbly, happy... But very often that is a conscious choice for me. God, I used to be shy and reserved! Heck, it wasn't until college that I even started feeling comfortable speaking out in class, much less leading one! Now I suppose if I went to, say, England, I would be considered highly presumptuous with my habits of striking up a conversation with anyone who interests me. Damn having a proper introduction! Heck, I was on the phone with Ali as I checked out at a store the other day, and I made one mistake or another and was laughing at myself with the checker, and Ali accused me of flirting with her! I guess to some my familiar way of speaking with people could be perceived as such without that being my intent. I suppose I should be more conscious of that, as it could be dangerous in some situations, aye?

Anyway, what I was meaning to say is that often for me, choosing to be the fun, crazy wild one is a conscious effort. And in that, I'm having to face down a fear - of overcoming my shyness and choosing to feel confident in my actions rather than embarrassed. As Eleanor Roosevelt said about herself:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… you must do the thing you think you cannot do."

So, for me, one of those things was dancing. I used to have to have some 'liquid courage' before I could 'loosen up' enough to get out onto the dance floor. However, that's not an option for me any more, now is it? Yet when I took the kids to the Bar Mitzvah a while back, I made sure to drag B out onto the dance floor as often as possible- embracing that experience and conquering my insecurity and fear of embarrassment. And we had a wonderful time as a result! I think that's what's behind the concept of the Glamour Pi Vacation Dance; it's a symbol of letting go and being crazy, regardless of who happens to be watching. You embrace a freedom when you can do it!

One of my favorite writers is Dave Gorman (I have a link to his blog here...) In his book, 'Are You Dave Gorman', there was a passage that I loved:

"The door to my room opened and Dave was there. Dancing. Alone.
All the time singing, he danced in and then danced out. I don't think it's a dance I've ever seen performed solo, but I immediately recognized it. I think it was the words to the song that gave it away.
'Let's all do the conga. The conga's getting longer. La la la la la, hoy! La la la la la la!'
If ever a conga wasn't getting longer it was that one. Still, it was a happy dance."

That's the person I want to be. I was going to say 'be remembered as', but that's wrong: I fully want to embrace that happy persona. As the yogi Rodney Yee would say, "Be the dance. Feel the happiness coursing through you."

Now, I know that's not always possible. I mean, everyone has their good days and bad days - you must have the down in order to appreciate the up. Not only that, but I have a condition in which I experience chronic pain, and it's only on my best days that the pain is gone, whereas even on good days it's there but manageable.

A friend sent me one of those sappy e-mail stories recently. This one was about an old blind man who went to a nursing home. The key takeaway for me was this:

Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Now, I may not be old...yet! But I think my FM may make it easier for me to relate to that. After all, I go to support groups and hear others with the same condition bemoan their condition instead of doing what they can to fight it and improve their quality of life. It is a conscious effort.

Just like choosing to be happy, to be positive. May your heart be full of love, joy, peace, grace, and loving kindness.

Be well!