Making Space to Heal

In my yoga classes, I typically begin with a dharma talk.  That’s when we have a discussion about yoga philosophy or other issues which seem to be common themes that have been playing out for many of my yoga students and Reiki clients.

Recently, I’ve been talking about the last 3 niyamas, otherwise known as Kriya Yoaga.  In yoga, the niyamas are a way for us to deal with ourselves in a conscious manner.  The three aspects of Kriya Yoga are Tapas, Svadhyaya, and Ishvara Pranidhana.  Basically, when stuff comes up in our lives, when we’re triggered emotionally, it’s usually because there’s a pattern of behavior there, something that could be healed.  We just have to choose if we want to or not. 

Going along this path, I feel fortunate to have a partner who encourages me to practice Kriya Yoga in my own life.  We have a “catch phrase” for when I’ve been emotionally triggered by something, especially if I don’t see it myself.  He’ll gently point out that I’m “having an elevated emotional response”.  In other words, most people would have taken a given similar situation in stride, but for some reason, I’m overreacting emotionally.  Using that catch phrase gives me the opportunity to choose how to proceed without him saying the emotionally charged words of, “Honey, you’re overreacting.  What’s going on?”  Because basically we have three choices when faced with a situation that triggers us: 1) we can go with the emotion and ride that roller coaster, 2) we can disengage and run in the opposite direction, or 3) we can choose to lean in , figure out what is going on, and heal it. 

As one of my master teachers said, sometimes the only way out is through, to pierce the emotion and come out the other side.  Kriya yoga offers us the opportunity to do just that.  First there’s Tapas, or psychic heat.  It’s like the process of smelting gold; in order to remove the impurities, you have to heat it up and let them rise to the surface.  And sometimes that heat can be intense.  Then we step into Svadhyaya, or self-study.  This can mean studying sacred texts, or it can mean really looking at the situation, looking at those elevated emotions and asking yourself what it is, why you’re feeling it, and where are its roots.  Very often, when we’re hurt by someone or something that would otherwise be innocuous, it’s because we’ve been wounded at some point in the past, and often several times in similar ways.  This is part of our karma, or an energetic pattern of behavior, which we can choose to repeat or interrupt. The third step is Ishvara Pranidhana, which is the process of healing it, letting go, and releasing it to the Divine. 

Why is Kriya Yoga important?  Well, because it gives us an opportunity to heal those past hurts, to change those patterns of behavior.

There’s a poem called “There’s a Hole in my Sidewalk: An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters” by Portia Nelson.

Chapter One

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost… I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend that I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,

My eyes are open

I know where I am

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.

There I a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

Basically, Kriya Yoga gives us the opportunity to consciously learn how to walk down a different street.  Otherwise, we’re just unconsciously falling into the same hole, the same pattern of behavior, over and over again in our lives.  Have you ever heard someone say that they wind up dating the same guy or girl, just in a different meat suit?  It’s because they have a pattern of behavior that brings the same type of people and situations into their lives.  Kryia Yoga can give us the tools to help with that.

Recently, I had a student tell me she didn’t want to heal the past; she just wanted to move forward.  Wasn’t it possible for her to just let bygones be bygones and move on with her life?  Sure, that’s a choice.  But the problem is, with an old, unhealed hurt, it’s like having a bruise or a broken bone.  It can most certainly heal on its own, or, if it hasn’t been set correctly, it’s going to hurt when it’s banged up against or when you try to use it later.  In other words, it won’t really function properly until you give it the time and attention it needs to be fully healed. 

It wasn’t until I experienced something in my own life that I was able to understand why this was such an important process.

Mother’s Day was this past weekend.  And I have a whole lot of energetic and emotional tension from my past around that holiday.  There are a myriad of reasons why past Mothers Days have been emotionally charged for me.  For several years, I couldn’t enjoy them because I was too busy serving the other mothers in my life – mine, my ex-husband’s, his grandmother, and feeling that I came up short.  Because of many feelings of inadequacy and not being deserving, I had difficulty receive from either my ex or my children.  But all of those reasons, all of those people, were just props.  Over the years, the excuses disappeared.  My ex’s grandmother passed away, as did his step-mother.  I got divorced, my mom moved away and then it was just me and my kids.  Yet my Mother’s Day celebrations were still stressful and emotionally charged.  I tried to just move on.  At first, my kids were young teens, so I took over and planned my own Mother’s Day celebrations.  Yet year after year, something went wrong and I’d end up in tears. 

This year, I made the conscious choice that things would be different.  I would release all control of Mother’s Day.  It would be low-key without any big plans or celebration.  It would be just me and my kids, and we wouldn’t go to a concert or a play or Disneyland. All that was important was that I got to spend some quality time with my kids.  My only expectations were to share a meal, conversation, and maybe a movie.  Any expressions of appreciation or gratitude on their part would be gravy, but not expected. 

Instead, the morning of Mother’s Day came around and my life conspired to bring up all sorts of triggers to make me into a big, mushy ball of tears and emotions.  I was with my partner, not my kids, thankfully, so I was able to work through my emotions without negatively impacting them.  I let the triggers bring up the emotions, and I let them bubble up to the surface.  I named them, I expressed them, and then I sat with them, in that psychic heat of the Tapas to see what the heck it was I was feeling and why.  Just like a weed in my garden, I didn’t just pull off the head of the dandelion, I pulled out the whole thing by digging deep and tracing the root back to its source so I could pull it up whole, once and for all.  As I sat and processed, I reached back through my history to the roots of my Mother’s Day stress and figured out not only what the beginnings of those negative emotions were for me as a mom, but for me as a daughter watching my mother have challenges receiving from my dad and her children.  I sat there, and let it all come up.  I was so grateful to have my partner hold me through it all, just feeling his arms around me as I cried.  Because crying is good! It’s a way to energetically release those built-up emotions.  Water is cleansing.  After yoga, Reiki, or massage, you’re encouraged to drink lots of water to flush the toxins out of your body, and tears serve the same function.  Let them flow with the emotion and let it all out.  You’ll feel lighter when it’s over and all of that emotional crud has been washed away.

After all of that, I was able to get myself ready and go be with my kids.  We had a lovely afternoon, eating, talking, and sharing.  I told them stories about myself and who I am now, how much I love being their mom, what their labors were like, and how proud I am to be their mother.  It was a truly meaningful day during which I could express my love and pride for my children, the privilege it is to be their mom, and the joy they’ve brought to my life.  At the end of our time together, my daughter gave me her card to read, and sure enough the tears flowed.  But this year, they were tears of joy and love, as she had expressed beautiful, meaningful, heartfelt gratitude and appreciation for me as her mother, which I was finally open to receive.  It was a Happy Mother’s Day.  And it was the first one I’ve had in a very long time as a result of the healing work I did that morning.

To return to the weed analogy, if we pull out the weed, we can let healthy grass and plants grow in our garden instead.  But ignoring that weed just means that it is going to keep draining the soil and depleting the resources that could be going towards helping the things we actually desire in our lives to grow and flourish.  Don’t turn your back on the hurt, don’t ignore it and try to move on, because it’s still there, it’s still growing.  Deal with it, pull out that weed, and make more space in your garden and in your life for what you desire to grow.

So what is this process?  How can we apply the concept of Kriya Yoga to our lives?

 1) Start by feeling the emotion. If you can’t change what you don’t own, then you must own that emotion.  “I am angry. I am hurt. I am sad.”  Wonderful. Name it.  Then ask yourself why you feel that.

2) Recognize the emotion and the trigger for what it is.  You have had an experience or belief that has resulted in you feeling this way in this situation.  “I don’t feel appreciated.  I don’t feel good enough.  I don’t feel that I deserve this.” 

3) Then figure out what the belief system is which is at the root of that feeling.  Do you agree with it, or is it a tribal belief that you’ve inherited either from your family or your society?  Is it in alignment with your truth, or is it someone else’s?  Do you want to keep it, or is it time to let go of it?  For example, I realized that in my family, giving was a good thing as it was “the Christian thing to do”.  It meant you were being generous, benevolent, a kind and giving person.  However, receiving was not a good thing.  If you needed something from someone else, it was a sign of weakness; it meant you couldn’t provide for yourself.  Whereas having difficulty receiving gifts went hand in hand with the ideas of not being deserving of help and care.  In the process of understanding this, I also realized that those beliefs didn’t match my view of the world, and I could let them go.

What it all comes down to is integration; converting darkness into light.  We all have hurts lurking in the shadow of our lives.  But just like the shadowy monster in the corner of our room when we were growing up, in order to see it for what it really is, all we have to do is shed some light on it.

We all have the ability to move through life as we prefer. We can take the “easy way”, the way we were raised with, going through life on auto pilot in our comfort zone.  Or we can choose to be mindful and move through life in a conscious and deliberate way. 

It’s your choice.  Choose what you desire.

Self-Care & Affirmations

 I'm trying to find the balance between self-care and other-care that is such a tenuous tight-rope walk for most people, but which can be even more important for people who are care-givers by profession.

Yesterday, I took the entire morning off to go to a Gentle Yoga class and a New Moon Meditation. It was beautiful! It was exactly what my body and, even more, my soul needed.

It has been a challenge for me to learn that self-care is part of my job, too.  I take care of so many other people - students, clients, and my family, that it is very easy for "the well to run dry".  And in order for me to keep on giving, I must fill the well. So I've had to change the way I view self-care. It's no longer a "luxury", but a necessity. If I'm going to be good at my job, self-care is a must. My ex used to tell me that I could look like Cindy Crawford, too, if looking good was my job. Meaning: if I had to look good for my job, I could and would pay for a private trainer, esthetician, personal chef, housekeeper, personal assistant, nanny, etc., to make the time for my job of "looking good" possible.  Well, looking good may not be my job, but having the abundance of energy to give to others without tapping myself dry is.  So, I've had to change how I look at taking walks, practicing yoga, meditating, studying, and eating well.  Those things are part of my work day.  I get this as a concept, so then why the heck can it be such a challenge to put into practice?

I laugh sometimes at how the Universe chooses to give me lessons.  If there's something I need to learn, very often I'll be shown the lesson clearly in someone else's behavior. And then my Spirit Guides (yes, I've gone off the Hippie-dippy deep end and have Spirit Guides, or Higher Self, or conscience) will give me information for this student and while I'm speaking to them, my Guides will be nudging me, saying, "Are you listening to yourself? You know this is a lesson for you, too, you know."

So, yesterday, after my lovely morning of self-care, receiving from two beautiful yoga and Reiki practitioners, feeling sisterhood and connection, I went out to run some errands.  That’s when I ran into F.

F was my very first yoga student ever. I've known her since 2006 or so, when she was B's teacher, and she has FM, too.  She still comes to my yoga classes periodically, but by this time, I see the pattern the Universe has laid out for our friendship. Whenever I see F when we're out and about, it's because she's having a crisis.  Every single damn time.

So I saw F yesterday, and I tried to make eye contact, but she was playing with someone's dog out in front of Starbucks. In my life, there are no coincidences.  Basically, the Universe gave me the choice to take the out and leave. I could have walked on, as I "didn't really have the time to talk", but by now I know my purpose in aiding others, so I set aside my own plans for the afternoon and waited for F to see me.  After all, all of those “important things” I had to do weren’t really time sensitive, and being there for someone else in need most certainly was more important than those other tasks were.

Sure enough, as soon as F looked up, it was with great relief and excitement (and yes, a healthy dose of desperation) that she asked me to sit with her for a few minutes.  Thirty minutes later, I was talking to her about self-care and how important it is. 

See, my dharma talk (yogic lecture) this week has been all about the idea that “energy flows where attention goes”, courtesy of Esther Hicks and Abraham. What we’re focusing on is what we wind up getting more of. Good and bad things happen every day; if you focus on the good, you feel like you had a good day, despite the bumps, whereas if you focus on all the crap, it seems like you’ve been in a shit storm, regardless of any of the good things that may have happened to you.

Now, this isn’t just a new-agey concept. There’s actually a concept referred to as “the science of gratitude”, and indeed, scientific studies have been conducted on how focusing on gratitude (for example, by keeping a gratitude journal) can quantifiably change your life and result in more happiness, among other things. As Deborah Norville says in her book, “Thank You Power: Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You”, “One study from the University of California, Davis, actually quantified what happens when people are grateful. They really are more optimistic, more apt to help others, more joyful, and genuinely healthier. Related studies have found they're more resilient, less stressed, and better strategic thinkers. All because they focus on what's right in life.”  And that’s just one study of many. In other words, science is backing up this idea that what you focus your attention on can change how you experience your life – for better or worse.

However, F’s issue wasn’t just that she was focusing on the bad, but that that’s what she thought she deserved on some level.  She may not have been saying it or even thinking it, but by denying herself self-care (it was 2 pm and she hadn’t eaten anything other than a latte, which I was emphatic in telling her was NOT food!) she was telling the Universe that she wasn’t caring for herself, so no one else should, either. 

If our basic needs aren’t being met, and if we’re passive about trying to fill them, then our bodies go into self-preservation (i.e. panic) mode. Her needs weren’t being met, so she was generating scarcity consciousness (her body was literally in starvation mode because she was denying herself sustenance), and that was triggering her fight-or-flight response. Sure enough, she was experiencing anxiety.  Sociologically and physiologically, our body doesn’t know the difference between going through a famine from drought or famine by choice; it goes into self-preservation mode and wants us to get out of that situation, i.e. run, in order to keep ourselves alive. If we don’t do anything to change it, then we release the hormones that cause anxiety to help push us into making change.  Because while our minds may be complex things, our physiology is really rather simple-minded; you’re starving, so move to find food, if you don’t, it becomes worried that you’re not doing what you need to survive. Then, boom, you’re anxious.

And then, no matter what we say to ourselves about how, yes, we know we’re important, yes, we love ourselves, of course we deserve to be taken care of… if our actions don’t match our words, well, you know what they say. Actions speak louder than words.

This is why the work starts with you. The world is just mirroring your beliefs about your life. So if you change what you believe, if you change how you feel about yourself, the world will start to change to reflect those beliefs. But your actions must match your beliefs, otherwise the Universe knows it’s just talk. You’re just blowing hot air.

Makes sense. But in practice, it can be a lot more challenging than in theory.

For most people, we inherited a LOT of really crappy tribal beliefs. And then, we had other people in our lives, other experiences, which reinforced them.  For my parents, housekeepers were only for rich people. My sisters told me that teaching yoga wasn’t a real job. Even getting a gardener was a luxury. A luxury. Because somehow I didn’t deserve such “special” treatment. In other words, I wasn’t special enough to deserve it. Nope, it was somehow noble or important to suffer, to do things I didn’t like or have the skill set to do, rather than make enough money to pay someone else to do those things to free up the time for me to do what I enjoy and am good at. You know, that reason I was put here on the planet?

I’m gifted at helping people overcome their pain. And that is FAR more important than cleaning toilets or mopping floors.  In fact, in my case, one could take it even further. By giving me a chemical sensitivity, which includes having cleaning products make me physically ill, the Universe is trying to give me a HUGE sign that I should NOT be cleaning my house; there are far better things for me to be doing with my time.  Yet those darn limiting tribal beliefs still are tied to shame and not feeling deserving; even though I recently accepted a job opportunity which allows me the financial freedom to have a housekeeper on a regular basis, I can still find myself being apologetic about having a housekeeper. 

The limiting tribal and societal beliefs we’ve inherited, added to our life experiences, not to mention all of the negative self-talk that goes on in our heads, can keep us stuck in those old patterns of thought and behavior.  We can still feel undeserving and unworthy of care, which, in turn, can make it difficult for us to receive help, love and care from others.  And that can make it challenging at times to receive the love of the wonderful people in our lives who DO love us and want to support us, just as we support them.

Because we may be limited by the inherited tribal belief that it is acceptable, even desirable, to give care and support, but that receiving the same is a sign of weakness, and thus something to be ashamed of. So we’re not just limited in receiving from a lack of feeling worthy or deserving, but we’ve compounded it all with a feeling of shame or weakness. And that’s a tough belief to overcome. We can accept the role of the nurturing mother of the Divine Feminine, but not the cherished goddess who deserves to be adored and worshiped, the way we cherish, adore, serve and care for those we love.

Very often, we don’t give ourselves permission to stop and care for ourselves, much less let others care for us, unless we’re ill. So, when we really need to rest, our body can break down and make us take the time to rest. I recently got to the point where I was taking on too much, burning the candle at both ends, so to speak, and I was just worn out.  I hadn’t taken time off for a vacation of any significance in two years.  Sure, I’d gone to visit family, or taken the kids to Disneyland for a couple of days, but those aren’t the kind of relaxing, self-nurturing vacations we need periodically to recharge our batteries. No sooner had I verbalized a thought that had been popping up in my mind, “I could really just use a week off from work to rest,” than I got sick. I came down with an upper respiratory illness that was so bad that I had to cancel all of my classes and clients for exactly one week.  Be careful what you say, because the Universe is listening, and you may get exactly what you ask for, but not in the way that you expect.

Heck, sometimes for strong, independent caregivers, becoming ill can be the perfect opportunity for our loves to feel needed and to demonstrate their love for and to us.  Most of the time, we’re so capable, so good at caring for ourselves, that they don’t ever get the opportunity to take care of us; it can be a gift to them.  We can be surprised when friends, family, and loved ones rally to our side to help with whatever we need.  Why is that surprising? Just ask yourself how you’d act if the shoe was on the other foot? Chances are, they’re just giving you back what you give them.

My challenge to my students this week is to become more conscious of what we say and think.  Where is your attention going? And what is that leading to in your life? 

Even more specifically, become aware of those negative, limiting tribal beliefs and all of that negative self-talk. Because that Inner Critic can do a number on you! Seriously, if you took that inner voice and put it into a person who stood next to you and said those things, you’d go insane! (Or you’d at least think they were.)  If you wouldn’t say those things to someone else, better yet, if you wouldn’t say those things to your daughter, why on earth will you say those things to yourself?

If energy flows where our attention goes, then what are we focusing on? What are we saying out loud? What are we saying to ourselves? After all, there’s a reason it’s called “spelling” because we cast spells with our words as we speak them out into the world. It’s called “cursive” writing for a reason, as we put those thoughts to paper. 

So we start by becoming observant of our thoughts and our words. Is your back really killing you? Really??? Do you really hate that person? Or even for my students, do you really want to be pain-free? Or do you want to be healthy?

Because focusing on the negative word has a specific feeling or vibration to it. Close your eyes and become focused on how your body feels when you speak different words.  There’s a limiting or contracting feeling with a negative word like “pain”, even with the word “free” attached.  Whereas there’s an open, flowing, allowing feeling with the word “healthy”.  It’s quite simple, really, a negative word takes away or subtracts from our flow of energy, where a positive word adds to that flow. 

Once we start becoming observant of the words we say and their positive or negative vibration (yes, there goes the hippie-speak), then we can start to become conscious of how they affect our lives. From there, we can start to become proactive about creating what it is we want in our lives. Even better, we can begin to undo the old programming of all of those years of negative self-talk by countering it with positive self-talk. 

Affirmations are a wonderful way to do this. It can feel odd, at first, especially if we’re so used to hearing the negative that the positive feels foreign. So, you begin with something that your spirit recognizes as truth. It can be challenging for some people to say, “I am loved.”  That inner critic comes in and tries to fight you.  As Wil Wheaton said, “The voice of self-doubt presses its face against the window of my mind, knowing I don’t have the strength to fully draw the drapes.” So, instead, I have my students start with something that is truth to them. “I am loving” is something with which almost all of my students can agree about themselves. So, the triad of that mantra is,

“I am loving,

I am loveable,

I am loved.”

It’s incredible to see how challenging that can be for most people to say. Yet the person sitting next to them, their teacher, or most especially their loved ones can most definitely say that to them with confidence. So why is it so hard for us to say and admit about ourselves? Those darn limiting tribal beliefs and negative self-talk is why. And that’s all the more reason why it is important for us to begin saying affirmations to and about ourselves.

Keep in mind that an affirmation is different than an intention.  An intention is the end result or purpose. Something you want to get out of a class, for example.  An intention is something you want to do, get, or obtain, as a result of a process. Whereas an affirmation is something that you already have or are.  It is a re-statement. An affirmation is the assertion that something exists or is true.

So when you’re saying an affirmation, you’re not saying that you WANT to be something, but you are asserting, stating, or remembering that YOU ALREADY ARE that.  And that is very powerful.

To marry these two concepts together, if energy flows where attention goes, then if you’re using the power of affirmation to focus on positive aspects of you, then you will begin seeing more examples of those things in your life.

And honestly, who couldn’t use more examples in their lives of being loving, loveable, and loved? That could make ones’ life far more love-filled. And that’s just a start.