Making Space to Heal

In my yoga classes, I typically begin with a dharma talk.  That’s when we have a discussion about yoga philosophy or other issues which seem to be common themes that have been playing out for many of my yoga students and Reiki clients.

Recently, I’ve been talking about the last 3 niyamas, otherwise known as Kriya Yoaga.  In yoga, the niyamas are a way for us to deal with ourselves in a conscious manner.  The three aspects of Kriya Yoga are Tapas, Svadhyaya, and Ishvara Pranidhana.  Basically, when stuff comes up in our lives, when we’re triggered emotionally, it’s usually because there’s a pattern of behavior there, something that could be healed.  We just have to choose if we want to or not. 

Going along this path, I feel fortunate to have a partner who encourages me to practice Kriya Yoga in my own life.  We have a “catch phrase” for when I’ve been emotionally triggered by something, especially if I don’t see it myself.  He’ll gently point out that I’m “having an elevated emotional response”.  In other words, most people would have taken a given similar situation in stride, but for some reason, I’m overreacting emotionally.  Using that catch phrase gives me the opportunity to choose how to proceed without him saying the emotionally charged words of, “Honey, you’re overreacting.  What’s going on?”  Because basically we have three choices when faced with a situation that triggers us: 1) we can go with the emotion and ride that roller coaster, 2) we can disengage and run in the opposite direction, or 3) we can choose to lean in , figure out what is going on, and heal it. 

As one of my master teachers said, sometimes the only way out is through, to pierce the emotion and come out the other side.  Kriya yoga offers us the opportunity to do just that.  First there’s Tapas, or psychic heat.  It’s like the process of smelting gold; in order to remove the impurities, you have to heat it up and let them rise to the surface.  And sometimes that heat can be intense.  Then we step into Svadhyaya, or self-study.  This can mean studying sacred texts, or it can mean really looking at the situation, looking at those elevated emotions and asking yourself what it is, why you’re feeling it, and where are its roots.  Very often, when we’re hurt by someone or something that would otherwise be innocuous, it’s because we’ve been wounded at some point in the past, and often several times in similar ways.  This is part of our karma, or an energetic pattern of behavior, which we can choose to repeat or interrupt. The third step is Ishvara Pranidhana, which is the process of healing it, letting go, and releasing it to the Divine. 

Why is Kriya Yoga important?  Well, because it gives us an opportunity to heal those past hurts, to change those patterns of behavior.

There’s a poem called “There’s a Hole in my Sidewalk: An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters” by Portia Nelson.

Chapter One

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost… I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend that I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,

My eyes are open

I know where I am

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.

There I a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

Basically, Kriya Yoga gives us the opportunity to consciously learn how to walk down a different street.  Otherwise, we’re just unconsciously falling into the same hole, the same pattern of behavior, over and over again in our lives.  Have you ever heard someone say that they wind up dating the same guy or girl, just in a different meat suit?  It’s because they have a pattern of behavior that brings the same type of people and situations into their lives.  Kryia Yoga can give us the tools to help with that.

Recently, I had a student tell me she didn’t want to heal the past; she just wanted to move forward.  Wasn’t it possible for her to just let bygones be bygones and move on with her life?  Sure, that’s a choice.  But the problem is, with an old, unhealed hurt, it’s like having a bruise or a broken bone.  It can most certainly heal on its own, or, if it hasn’t been set correctly, it’s going to hurt when it’s banged up against or when you try to use it later.  In other words, it won’t really function properly until you give it the time and attention it needs to be fully healed. 

It wasn’t until I experienced something in my own life that I was able to understand why this was such an important process.

Mother’s Day was this past weekend.  And I have a whole lot of energetic and emotional tension from my past around that holiday.  There are a myriad of reasons why past Mothers Days have been emotionally charged for me.  For several years, I couldn’t enjoy them because I was too busy serving the other mothers in my life – mine, my ex-husband’s, his grandmother, and feeling that I came up short.  Because of many feelings of inadequacy and not being deserving, I had difficulty receive from either my ex or my children.  But all of those reasons, all of those people, were just props.  Over the years, the excuses disappeared.  My ex’s grandmother passed away, as did his step-mother.  I got divorced, my mom moved away and then it was just me and my kids.  Yet my Mother’s Day celebrations were still stressful and emotionally charged.  I tried to just move on.  At first, my kids were young teens, so I took over and planned my own Mother’s Day celebrations.  Yet year after year, something went wrong and I’d end up in tears. 

This year, I made the conscious choice that things would be different.  I would release all control of Mother’s Day.  It would be low-key without any big plans or celebration.  It would be just me and my kids, and we wouldn’t go to a concert or a play or Disneyland. All that was important was that I got to spend some quality time with my kids.  My only expectations were to share a meal, conversation, and maybe a movie.  Any expressions of appreciation or gratitude on their part would be gravy, but not expected. 

Instead, the morning of Mother’s Day came around and my life conspired to bring up all sorts of triggers to make me into a big, mushy ball of tears and emotions.  I was with my partner, not my kids, thankfully, so I was able to work through my emotions without negatively impacting them.  I let the triggers bring up the emotions, and I let them bubble up to the surface.  I named them, I expressed them, and then I sat with them, in that psychic heat of the Tapas to see what the heck it was I was feeling and why.  Just like a weed in my garden, I didn’t just pull off the head of the dandelion, I pulled out the whole thing by digging deep and tracing the root back to its source so I could pull it up whole, once and for all.  As I sat and processed, I reached back through my history to the roots of my Mother’s Day stress and figured out not only what the beginnings of those negative emotions were for me as a mom, but for me as a daughter watching my mother have challenges receiving from my dad and her children.  I sat there, and let it all come up.  I was so grateful to have my partner hold me through it all, just feeling his arms around me as I cried.  Because crying is good! It’s a way to energetically release those built-up emotions.  Water is cleansing.  After yoga, Reiki, or massage, you’re encouraged to drink lots of water to flush the toxins out of your body, and tears serve the same function.  Let them flow with the emotion and let it all out.  You’ll feel lighter when it’s over and all of that emotional crud has been washed away.

After all of that, I was able to get myself ready and go be with my kids.  We had a lovely afternoon, eating, talking, and sharing.  I told them stories about myself and who I am now, how much I love being their mom, what their labors were like, and how proud I am to be their mother.  It was a truly meaningful day during which I could express my love and pride for my children, the privilege it is to be their mom, and the joy they’ve brought to my life.  At the end of our time together, my daughter gave me her card to read, and sure enough the tears flowed.  But this year, they were tears of joy and love, as she had expressed beautiful, meaningful, heartfelt gratitude and appreciation for me as her mother, which I was finally open to receive.  It was a Happy Mother’s Day.  And it was the first one I’ve had in a very long time as a result of the healing work I did that morning.

To return to the weed analogy, if we pull out the weed, we can let healthy grass and plants grow in our garden instead.  But ignoring that weed just means that it is going to keep draining the soil and depleting the resources that could be going towards helping the things we actually desire in our lives to grow and flourish.  Don’t turn your back on the hurt, don’t ignore it and try to move on, because it’s still there, it’s still growing.  Deal with it, pull out that weed, and make more space in your garden and in your life for what you desire to grow.

So what is this process?  How can we apply the concept of Kriya Yoga to our lives?

 1) Start by feeling the emotion. If you can’t change what you don’t own, then you must own that emotion.  “I am angry. I am hurt. I am sad.”  Wonderful. Name it.  Then ask yourself why you feel that.

2) Recognize the emotion and the trigger for what it is.  You have had an experience or belief that has resulted in you feeling this way in this situation.  “I don’t feel appreciated.  I don’t feel good enough.  I don’t feel that I deserve this.” 

3) Then figure out what the belief system is which is at the root of that feeling.  Do you agree with it, or is it a tribal belief that you’ve inherited either from your family or your society?  Is it in alignment with your truth, or is it someone else’s?  Do you want to keep it, or is it time to let go of it?  For example, I realized that in my family, giving was a good thing as it was “the Christian thing to do”.  It meant you were being generous, benevolent, a kind and giving person.  However, receiving was not a good thing.  If you needed something from someone else, it was a sign of weakness; it meant you couldn’t provide for yourself.  Whereas having difficulty receiving gifts went hand in hand with the ideas of not being deserving of help and care.  In the process of understanding this, I also realized that those beliefs didn’t match my view of the world, and I could let them go.

What it all comes down to is integration; converting darkness into light.  We all have hurts lurking in the shadow of our lives.  But just like the shadowy monster in the corner of our room when we were growing up, in order to see it for what it really is, all we have to do is shed some light on it.

We all have the ability to move through life as we prefer. We can take the “easy way”, the way we were raised with, going through life on auto pilot in our comfort zone.  Or we can choose to be mindful and move through life in a conscious and deliberate way. 

It’s your choice.  Choose what you desire.